Existential Nightmare

Since being hamstrung with all these medical issues, there has been a bit of a trap waiting for me. What has seemed like a little bit of reflection could very easily be turned to wondering something that a lot of us have a problem with grasping.

“Why am I here?”

These thoughts are often never fun stemming from negative experiences, or at least a negative mind frame, and when you are not feeling too good in your own head then you have to work almost ten times as hard. Even if it was something that you normally used to do.Once you lose the faith in yourself and wonder about your own meaning everything suddenly becomes almost impossible just as you explain to yourself that there is no reason to do it sapping all passion or skill you had for such things until all you can do is sit there and think about you own impending death.

Pretty depressing when you have to deal with it, but if you can get yourself through it then you can come out of it a lot more focused. I have three really big targets and a bunch of smaller ones which has been on here at various times. Bigger ones are pretty easy to guess, but it boils down to games, the company, and doing well for people.

Changing how I do everything due to the medical problems just make it harder, but not impossible. I just have to figure out another way to do it that maybe before I wouldn’t have thought, and it may seem so scary for others. I was terrified, and still am. Not being able to reach levels that were once easy just bothers me in that special way that headbutting walls seems therapeutic, not that it is possible.

So, thinking on the floor, wondering where life and I had our differences there was a memory that came back over and over.I think it reminded me of something I forgot so long ago and we shall see if there is a difference

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